So here is an update.
I had a little get together at my house last night because I wanted some friends over. My parents weren't home, but thats OK because we weren't doing anything stupid. I pretty much just threw the thing to hang out with my pals, but the real reason I did it was so I had an excuse to call Abbey and have her hang out with me, even if her dork-ass boyfriend was with her.
So all is well and we are all having fun, until I come in from inside and look in the bathroom, where the door was wide open. Inside is Abbey kissing her boyfriend. My original response is just, "Whatever, she isn't mine anymore, this doesn't matter..."
But it DOES matter. To me anyways.
So I pretty much get pissed because when I looked in there, all of the memories of us poured out of me. I've been with this girl in one way or another for a third of my life. She has not only been the object of my obesession, but she has been my best friend. We know each other better than most people know their spouses....we know every fiber of each other's being, inside and out, every corner of the brain, every beat of the heart. And when I looked in there and I saw this, all of this went through my brain:
"This is so fucked up...I can't believe I'm watching this, I can't believe I'm seeing this. I kissed her there, we loved there, we are best friends still, but this fucking cunt can move in on what is mine? Wait a minute, she isn't mine anymore...I know I fucked up, I know that I've hurt her before, and I know that sometimes I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and I know that we got mad at each other sometimes for the stupidest things, but it just made us closer....we used to go to the movies every weekend and eat dinner at each other's houses and just lay outside and look at the stars and talk about how much we meant to each other......its sappy but we would talk about being together forever and getting married and honeymooning in Ireland and getting a house and raising a family and growing old together and being there for each other and eventually dying in each other's arms....and now this FUCKING CUNT is taking my place....she doesn't love him, does she? She's only known him for like a month....this kid is a fucking doorknob, he knows nothing, he probably thinks he is in love...they've only been dating for about two weeks and we have been together for almost six years and it took us a good three of those years to realize that we are in love with each other....and I know that I fucked that up and that she probably isn't in love with me anymore...but she still loves me because she told me...and I don't know what the fuck to do is she just doing this to piss me off? Does she even like him? He isn't her type this isn't the Abbey I know she would never have anything to do with a fuck like this kid....I shouldn't have invited her over, because I knew he would be coming...I should kill him, fucking take an axe right to his brain and watch him wither around on the ground as he bleeds to death from a direct hit to his temple...his mother fucking temple bleeding all over my fucking bathroom floor with me beating his face in over and over again until there is nothing left but skull fragments embedded into the bathroom tile. Then we could ride off into the sunset and live out our lives together forever and ever and just love each other just like we used to, like we promised each other we would..I don't break fucking promises....I'm about to explode....."
All of those thoughts, plus more, went through my head in about a second and a half. Then I slugged the wall. HARD. I know thats stupid but I did, and I left this huge fucking hole in the wall, with my hand in the middle of it.
So now I've got a broken heart and a broken wall to go with it. Good job, James. Ten points.
Anywho, I know that alot of people I know don't particularly care for Abbey....but I really do think that I'm in love with her. And even if I'm not, I still love her alot, I know that much. And who is to say that I'm not in love with her? It's a very real feeling that I'm capable of expressing, who can say that it's not what I'm feeling now? Everyone I know only remembers the bad stuff about me and her, like the fights and whatnot, because that is all that would catch their ears or eyes. But it wasn't like that all the time, we were practically joined at the hip for so long it felt natural to just hug her and kiss her and put my arm around her and just have her be there. And now she isn't she is mooching around with my fucking dork ass neighbor who probably pops a woodie whenever he gets breathed on by a girl, my neighbor who doesn't even know her like I do, NO ONE knows her like I do. Deep in my heart I really do hope that this is all just some elaborate plan that she has to make me notice my mistakes and fix them and before you know it we'll be back to being peas and carrots (Forrest Gump is hawt) and just being our perfect selves again. I hate being stupid James doing stupid things whenever I'm without my girlfriend, my best friend, my perfect friend. Stupid James contemplating shooting himself or hanging himself or huffing Dust-Off or punching holes in the wall or having nightmares that make no sense. I hate being that James. I was perfectly happy with being the James that Abbey is in love with, the one that dissappeared for awhile there and with his absense comes someone trying to take his place. I was probably honestly happiest when I was that James, because I could be my perfect, witty, outgoing, awesome self and I could also share everything with my red-headed angel and we could finish each other's sentences and just be completely content just silently looking into each other's eyes for hours on end with out saying anything. I was perfectly happy then.
But now I'm this fucking fucked up horrible James that is doing things he doesn't want to do, that is saying things he doesn't mean to say, that is driving himself insane because he doesn't know what to do anymore. I told myself it wasn't a big deal, and for awhile I believed it. But I swear to whatever higher being is enough of an asshole to think that this is funny that I WILL NOT LET HER BE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY. We both know that deep down we know we are meant for each other, and I know that she knows that too. I know this, I've heard it, I've seen it, I can feel it whenever she is around. We both know. This is just soo fucked up.
And I know that this entry will rub people the wrong way, and I know that some people will probably think that I'm nothing but some completely fucked up asshole who is stalking his ex and making things up to have himself feel better. And you can think that all you want, all I want this entry to do is to let some certain people know how I feel, and I know that I've told this story a thousand times but I still always feel like there is more to say each time. And I'm sorry that some people will be disgusted and pissed at this entry but all I know/hope is that the one person that I hope reads this can maybe now begin to realize how much she means to me, without thinking that I'm creepy or a stalker or a killer or some other horrible thing that I'm not, not even when I'm the monster James. Thats all I can hope for, and if it doesn't work, then I'll probably delete this. I dont know.
Anyways, about the wall. I put a poster over it and plan on telling my masha in a couple of days when my dad isn't around so he won't get pissed and hit me. My hand is fine, because you can't hurt steel, we all know that.
Love, James.
